PEEING YOUR PANTS IS COOLER THAN SPROUTS

I'm not sure what I find more perverse...Billy Madison's promotion of the soiling of one's pants, Miss Vaughn's attraction to teaching kids that there is a "coolness factor" to soiling one's pants, or the fact that Billy's undershirt is sprouting out from under not just one, but two outer-shirts! Gotta dig that 90s fashion!
...WAIT...is that a double double sprout???

Fascinating

SPROUTS GO POSTAL

Right Sprout
Left Sprout
Nothing says crazy like a postal worker with sprouts coming at you from every angle.
But good grief man, take a little pride in your appearance. You would never catch Mr. McFeeley lookin' like he just came off of a 3 day coke bender...

...or maybe you would?

THE TURKEY WITH SPROUTS

Sprouts love the holidays, so chances are there may be more than one turkey showing up at your Thanksgiving table this year. Stay alert, don't let the Tryptophan dull your senses, and if you see something, say something because these are the people you pretend to care about the most! Have a great day, turkey!

THE SUPERIOR SPROUT

Do you see it?
If not, let's ENHANCE...
There it is!! In its grainy pixelated glory.

So what do you do when a superior at work is flappin' his flamin' red sprouts in a subordinate's face?

Do you:
a) Sneak up behind him with an Exacto and cut off those sprouts at the source?
b) Man up and just tell him he needs to tuck those things in before he takes an eye out?
Or
c) Hide behind a cubicle wall, stick a camera-phone in the air, and hope to get a good enough picture to post for all to see?

Since I'm not very stealth due to over active synovial membranes in my knee joints, and since I've never considered myself much of a man...I was really only left with one option.

THE PEOPLE OF WAL*MART SPROUTS

Imagine a place where sleeve sprouts are worn like badges of honor and the term fashion faux pas is just some fancy french talk for "shut the hell up and give me my damn freedom fries." Well imagine no further because Wal*Mart not only delivers some of the finest sprouts grown in the USA but serves them with a side order of mullet stew and a little sexual ambiguity to boot. Lookin' fierce fellas!!





Thank you People of Wal*Mart for making sprout hunting that much easier!

THE LOVE CHILD SPROUT

Did you ever wonder what a Geico caveman and a Capital One viking love child would look like if he was left to be raised by the Apple sales team?

I'm thinking something like this. An early Cro-magnon looking fellow with nasty sprouts and clumsy meat hands, who spends his days desperately trying to figure out how to get the fire out of the latest zippo app. Poor guy.

THE KNOCKED UP SPROUT

Don't worry Paul Rudd, I would be miserable too if I was giving birth to an unsightly sprout on screen for millions to see. By my calculations, that sprout was projected in theaters at a height of 16 inches, making Catherine Hahn the worst costume designer known to man. Now I'm not going to tell you what you should do about your budding sleeve, but the answer rhymes with shmish-shmortion. Make it happen!

NEWTON'S LAW OF SPROUTS

Apparently, the same brain waves that told this country bumpkin that satin pants were acceptable to wear, must have also told him that tucking and folding was somehow a solution to sleeve sprouts. It doesn’t take much more than a fifth grade education to understand the laws of gravity and that "what gets tucked must come down," but then again I think I am expecting too much from a state fair attendee.

THE GANGSTA SPROUT

This gangsta-in-training didn't think sleeve sprouts alone made him look thug enough, so he gave his ensemble a little upgrade with the first ever hat sprout. Sadly for him, the Bloods passed on having a registration tent at the Big E this year, so it looks like he wore his best capris pants with white stockings for nothing. Its too bad because I think he would have made a wonderful wife for some lucky inmate. Maybe next year.

THE RESULTS

The masses have spoken and they have crowned sleeve sprouts as the king of all t-shirt afflictions...so choke on that executives at Hanes. Sure, you may have your fancy ivory palaces with toilets made of gold, but you can't hurt us now because tonight belongs to me and the other 18 people that have voted. Sing it Patti!

DAS ÄRMELSCHöSSLING

September 12, 2010: Octoberfest, the one time of year when Germans can come out of hiding to semi-proudly celebrate their love for lederhosen, was ruined the other day by one man and his droopy undershirt. The dangling sprout had contaminated a batch of potato pancakes and sent several Hasselhoff impersonators to the ER. Joe Rao, the disproportionately shaped weatherman from News 12, was on the scene and had this to say,"Looks like its gonna be a cold day in Berlin with a 90% chance of sprouts." Lookin' good Joe!

THE BIG SPROUT

Trying to desperately relive her 1980s youth, it looks like the only thing that got bigger for this patron of the dark arts was her undershirt sleeve. If those sprouts grow any more they're gonna be able to play "Heart and Soul" all by themselves. Let's just hope it doesn't get worse and you wake up tomorrow looking like Tom Hanks.

THE SLEEVE SPROUT vs. THE BACON NECK

Does Hanes honestly think that "bacon neck" is a clever moniker?
And do they really think that it is an actual problem…let alone, a bigger problem than sleeve sprouts?

I honestly hope not.

I would expect this kind of half-assed advertising from the Fruit of the Looms group whose best idea was to dress up some loser in a grape costume, but not from the company that has MJ on their roster. Time to stop drinking on the job boys…this isn't the set of Mad Men. Expect to receive a formal letter of complaint soon.

And now it’s time to hear from you!!
Which do you think is the least lame term? Answer the survey in the left column and I will post the results at the end of the month.

THE iSPROUT 2.0

Yikes...this is one sprout that didn't need any upgrading...and like the iPhone 4, this one is much worse than its predecessor. If Steve Jobs is going to continue to allow these sprouts to run amok on his showroom floor, he might as well just change his ad campaign to look like this:



Also see:
The iSprout 1.0

THE SPROUT THAT GOT AWAY

A reenactment of actual events. That means this really happened.....seriously....it did.

I’ve seen his kind before. Jaunty. Arrogant. Strides a little too quickly for my taste. Maybe he thought he was some kind of renegade trendsetter...or maybe he didn't know he was a hapless victim. Still, it was my duty to warn him that his blazing sprouts were an epic threat.

He caught me looking. When I crossed the street, he crossed to the other side. But when he ducked into a dead-end alleyway just ahead, I knew I had him. I told him that a thousand words might save one man's life, but one picture might save a thousand men's souls. All he could mumble in reply was: "I'd rather you didn't." And then we parted ways.

Dollars to donuts, he’s leading a double-life. Maybe he had to “work late” the night before and his secretary got a little too grabby grabby with his undergarments, or maybe he just has one too many sweat glands and desperately needs the extra protection. The only thing that really matters is the more he lies to himself, the bigger his sprouts grow.

THE DEADHEAD SPROUT

This hippie turned businessman thinks he can keep his days of following Phish around on tour, tripping on acid and sharing his bong with any birkenstock wearing flower child that crossed his path a secret. Think again cause your sprouts tell all! There is just no hiding those tie-dye sprouts beneath that corporate polo. Do everyone a favor and put those sprouts where they belong...six feet under with Jerry Garcia.

THE BIG LEAGUE SPROUT

It looks like Derek Jeter is suffering from some sprout-rage. Instead of injecting steroids into his arm, it seems that this big league pro has been injecting them into his t-shirts. How do you expect to swing a bat when you have a ten foot sprout flappin' in your face. Shame on you.

THE URBAN DIC. SPROUT

In an attempt to eradicate the sleeve sprout, I have given it a small but significant place in pop culture...right between the terms Sleeve of Wizard and Sleeve Theory on Urban Dictionary. Yes, the place where you can find over 100 synonyms for penis, and apparently, a phrase for an "over-worked, under-appreciated loose-hanging vagina" you can now find the term sleeve sprout. I'm not really sure if this is a step forward in getting the message out, but it is a step nonetheless?

If you would like to give the definition a thumbs up or a thumbs down, or even add to the definition, please click here.

THE BEARDED MAN'S SPROUT

I know I try to keep the anonymity of these poor souls, but the only thing growing faster than this man's sleeve sprouts is his disturbing red beard. I don't think you'll find any job listings for your kind in that paper...but than again, the circus might be looking for one more freak. Here is some advice: Trim up and tuck 'em in, because I think you're making that lady a little nauseous.

THE HIGH-RISE SPROUT

Not only am I the author of this blog, but I am also a victim. It was rumored that sleeve sprouts could not survive at an altitude higher than 150 feet. I learned the hard way that they actually thrive at this height. The only way to stop these bad boys now is an 18 story face plant.

SPROUT, M.D.

Better get the bone saw...cause these babies need to be amputated. This doctor was spotted with some nasty scrub sleeve sprouts on the NYC subway. Don't let him operate on you or he might just leave a sprout in ya!!

THE iSPROUT

This Apple salesman better get his act together and get over to the Genius Bar because he has a lot to learn about sleeve sprouts. With all of his money, Steve Jobs should have someone inspecting these guys before they walk out onto the floor. Sadly there is no app to get rid of those nightmare sprouts!

THE RESCUE ME SPROUT

Steven Pasquale, who plays dimwitted firefighter Sean Garrity on the hit TV show Rescue Me, should look to get style consultant, Rochelle Joseph, fired for making him look like a damn fool in this season 2 episode. Is this just sloppy work by an untalented hack or is she actually trying to romanticize a very dangerous and serious condition...the sleeve sprout. Come on Rochelle, take a little pride in your work, you should be ashamed.

THE BUDDING SPROUT

This diligent worker wanted to play with fire this morning when he decided to wear a white t beneath his jet black button down. Looks like he got burned on this one...Ouch! Although barely grown, this white sprout screams for attention from every passerby. Sadly, most sprouts begin their bloom from the rear or the side of the sleeve making it very difficult for the victim to catch these unsightly things in the early stages.

THE DOUBLE T-SLEEVE SPROUT

Be careful young driver! These sprouts are growing out of control and are almost big enough to drive the car on their own. Yikes!

THE CAMPAIGN SPROUT

As we see here, sleeve sprouts can come in many different forms...even when a polo is under a t-shirt! This young politician-in-the-making may think he is supporting his candidate, but all he really is supporting is a major case of sleeve sprouts. Tuck those things in!

THE BAR SLEEVE SPROUT!!

Be careful of those drunken nights out on the town. Sleeve sprouts can strike at any time. This unsuspecting bar patron is unaware that his bright white t is making a run for his elbow.

STOP SLEEVE SPROUTS!

Your day may start out all rainbows and sunshine but that t-shirt you're sporting under that polo could end up doing you more harm then good. What started out as a way to either protect you from sweat stains, or a way to give you that nice accent color around your neck, has morphed into the worst monster of all...THE SLEEVE SPROUT. Although we do not have a cure for this, I just want to let you know that you are not alone and this disease affects many of us. But I think together if we try hard enough, we may one day rid the world of the Sleeve Sprout!