THE KNOCKED UP SPROUT

Don't worry Paul Rudd, I would be miserable too if I was giving birth to an unsightly sprout on screen for millions to see. By my calculations, that sprout was projected in theaters at a height of 16 inches, making Catherine Hahn the worst costume designer known to man. Now I'm not going to tell you what you should do about your budding sleeve, but the answer rhymes with shmish-shmortion. Make it happen!

NEWTON'S LAW OF SPROUTS

Apparently, the same brain waves that told this country bumpkin that satin pants were acceptable to wear, must have also told him that tucking and folding was somehow a solution to sleeve sprouts. It doesn’t take much more than a fifth grade education to understand the laws of gravity and that "what gets tucked must come down," but then again I think I am expecting too much from a state fair attendee.

THE GANGSTA SPROUT

This gangsta-in-training didn't think sleeve sprouts alone made him look thug enough, so he gave his ensemble a little upgrade with the first ever hat sprout. Sadly for him, the Bloods passed on having a registration tent at the Big E this year, so it looks like he wore his best capris pants with white stockings for nothing. Its too bad because I think he would have made a wonderful wife for some lucky inmate. Maybe next year.

THE RESULTS

The masses have spoken and they have crowned sleeve sprouts as the king of all t-shirt afflictions...so choke on that executives at Hanes. Sure, you may have your fancy ivory palaces with toilets made of gold, but you can't hurt us now because tonight belongs to me and the other 18 people that have voted. Sing it Patti!