THE SLEEVE SPROUT CONNECTION

(To the tune of Rainbow Connection)

Why are there sleeve sprouts on this small muppet,
and why are they twice his size?
Sleeve sprouts are evil, its that plain and simple,
and sleeve sprouts should just up and die!

Some tuck and fold them,
and think that will cure it.
They will be back, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the Sleeve Sprout connection
the polos, the t-shirts, and me

Who said that undershirts should be seen and noticed
when they are two sizes too large;
Some loser thought of it
and some sucker believed it.
Look what its done so far.

Its so amazing how people are lazy
and really believe we won't see.
Someday we'll find it, the Sleeve Sprout connection.
the polos, the t-shirts, and me

All of us under its spell, we know that this fashion is tragic.

Have you been half asleep and really not notice—
that thing's as big as my face.
Its quite apparent that you've hit rock bottom
and that you will never get laid.

I've seen them too many times to ignore it.
Its something that no one should see.
Someday we'll find it, the Sleeve Sprout connection,
the polos, the t-shirts, and me.

FLORIAN vs. ALDO vs. SPROUT

I'm surprised Jose Aldo even had the energy to fight, let alone defeat, Kenny Florian at this past Saturday's UFC title fight, after getting his @ss handed to him by a surly sprout. As seen from this picture it looks like the sprout used a classic arm-bar forcing his opponent to tap out before even getting to the ring. Time to get the cauliflower out of your ear and listen up little lady: If the sprout wants you down, it will take you down.

KISS ME, I'M A SPROUT

Instead of spending his time trying to banish nonexistent snakes from Ireland, St. Patrick should've focused his efforts more on getting sprouts out of the downtown area of White Plains. Everything from budding sprouts to fully bloomed sleeves could be seen stumbling about in a drunken green haze last night. I realize now that it's not drinking that brings out the worst in people, it's being Irish.

SPROUTS HATE GRUNGE

Take heed my flannel wearing friend, it's been rumored that it was actually Kurt Cobain's sleeve sprouts that shot him in the face and not a suicide after all. So stay true to your 90s fashion all you want but I wouldn't fall asleep next to any loaded firearms in the near future. Eddie Vedder actually sleeps shirtless for this exact reason...true story.

THE CAMO SPROUT

Here we have an interesting anthropological find, where common man is seen in his natural three-walled habitat looking triumphant in what he clearly mistakes as a victory over the protruding sleeve sprout. You can tell by the way this simple creature licks his lips and throws his hands in the air in jubilation with the belief that a matching color undershirt cleverly hides the advancing surculus sleevritus. Obviously this species has a long way to evolve.Click image for enhanced evaluation.

THE UNDERAGE SPROUT

Allowing a minor to rock out with sleeve sprouts a blazin' is only leading him down a road filled with fashion faux pas of epic proportions. It will only be a matter of time until he's heading off to the local 7-11 to pick up a nice cold tall boy while sporting a fanny pack, parachute pants and a mullet. That's right..where its all business in the front and a non-stop party in the back.

So turn the mirror on yourself America...you are the only one to blame for the failure of our future generations.

THE BRA STRAP SPROUT

I thought I would start the new year off right and show you a more risqué version of a sprout that I like to call the Strap Sprout. This display of pure unbridled sexuality makes me think that this lady of the night will not be going home alone. In fact, I think she may already have one potential customer looking for a midnight pony ride.

PEEING YOUR PANTS IS COOLER THAN SPROUTS

I'm not sure what I find more perverse...Billy Madison's promotion of the soiling of one's pants, Miss Vaughn's attraction to teaching kids that there is a "coolness factor" to soiling one's pants, or the fact that Billy's undershirt is sprouting out from under not just one, but two outer-shirts! Gotta dig that 90s fashion!
...WAIT...is that a double double sprout???

Fascinating

SPROUTS GO POSTAL

Right Sprout
Left Sprout
Nothing says crazy like a postal worker with sprouts coming at you from every angle.
But good grief man, take a little pride in your appearance. You would never catch Mr. McFeeley lookin' like he just came off of a 3 day coke bender...

...or maybe you would?

THE TURKEY WITH SPROUTS

Sprouts love the holidays, so chances are there may be more than one turkey showing up at your Thanksgiving table this year. Stay alert, don't let the Tryptophan dull your senses, and if you see something, say something because these are the people you pretend to care about the most! Have a great day, turkey!

THE SUPERIOR SPROUT

Do you see it?
If not, let's ENHANCE...
There it is!! In its grainy pixelated glory.

So what do you do when a superior at work is flappin' his flamin' red sprouts in a subordinate's face?

Do you:
a) Sneak up behind him with an Exacto and cut off those sprouts at the source?
b) Man up and just tell him he needs to tuck those things in before he takes an eye out?
Or
c) Hide behind a cubicle wall, stick a camera-phone in the air, and hope to get a good enough picture to post for all to see?

Since I'm not very stealth due to over active synovial membranes in my knee joints, and since I've never considered myself much of a man...I was really only left with one option.

THE PEOPLE OF WAL*MART SPROUTS

Imagine a place where sleeve sprouts are worn like badges of honor and the term fashion faux pas is just some fancy french talk for "shut the hell up and give me my damn freedom fries." Well imagine no further because Wal*Mart not only delivers some of the finest sprouts grown in the USA but serves them with a side order of mullet stew and a little sexual ambiguity to boot. Lookin' fierce fellas!!





Thank you People of Wal*Mart for making sprout hunting that much easier!

THE LOVE CHILD SPROUT

Did you ever wonder what a Geico caveman and a Capital One viking love child would look like if he was left to be raised by the Apple sales team?

I'm thinking something like this. An early Cro-magnon looking fellow with nasty sprouts and clumsy meat hands, who spends his days desperately trying to figure out how to get the fire out of the latest zippo app. Poor guy.

THE KNOCKED UP SPROUT

Don't worry Paul Rudd, I would be miserable too if I was giving birth to an unsightly sprout on screen for millions to see. By my calculations, that sprout was projected in theaters at a height of 16 inches, making Catherine Hahn the worst costume designer known to man. Now I'm not going to tell you what you should do about your budding sleeve, but the answer rhymes with shmish-shmortion. Make it happen!

NEWTON'S LAW OF SPROUTS

Apparently, the same brain waves that told this country bumpkin that satin pants were acceptable to wear, must have also told him that tucking and folding was somehow a solution to sleeve sprouts. It doesn’t take much more than a fifth grade education to understand the laws of gravity and that "what gets tucked must come down," but then again I think I am expecting too much from a state fair attendee.

THE GANGSTA SPROUT

This gangsta-in-training didn't think sleeve sprouts alone made him look thug enough, so he gave his ensemble a little upgrade with the first ever hat sprout. Sadly for him, the Bloods passed on having a registration tent at the Big E this year, so it looks like he wore his best capris pants with white stockings for nothing. Its too bad because I think he would have made a wonderful wife for some lucky inmate. Maybe next year.

THE RESULTS

The masses have spoken and they have crowned sleeve sprouts as the king of all t-shirt afflictions...so choke on that executives at Hanes. Sure, you may have your fancy ivory palaces with toilets made of gold, but you can't hurt us now because tonight belongs to me and the other 18 people that have voted. Sing it Patti!

DAS ÄRMELSCHöSSLING

September 12, 2010: Octoberfest, the one time of year when Germans can come out of hiding to semi-proudly celebrate their love for lederhosen, was ruined the other day by one man and his droopy undershirt. The dangling sprout had contaminated a batch of potato pancakes and sent several Hasselhoff impersonators to the ER. Joe Rao, the disproportionately shaped weatherman from News 12, was on the scene and had this to say,"Looks like its gonna be a cold day in Berlin with a 90% chance of sprouts." Lookin' good Joe!

THE BIG SPROUT

Trying to desperately relive her 1980s youth, it looks like the only thing that got bigger for this patron of the dark arts was her undershirt sleeve. If those sprouts grow any more they're gonna be able to play "Heart and Soul" all by themselves. Let's just hope it doesn't get worse and you wake up tomorrow looking like Tom Hanks.

THE SLEEVE SPROUT vs. THE BACON NECK

Does Hanes honestly think that "bacon neck" is a clever moniker?
And do they really think that it is an actual problem…let alone, a bigger problem than sleeve sprouts?

I honestly hope not.

I would expect this kind of half-assed advertising from the Fruit of the Looms group whose best idea was to dress up some loser in a grape costume, but not from the company that has MJ on their roster. Time to stop drinking on the job boys…this isn't the set of Mad Men. Expect to receive a formal letter of complaint soon.

And now it’s time to hear from you!!
Which do you think is the least lame term? Answer the survey in the left column and I will post the results at the end of the month.